Make Gibbons Laugh #73

I should begin by saying, reinforcing, remembering out loud, revisiting, redeclaring, reaffirming: I love Cambridge, Massachusetts about as much as Leslie Knope loves Pawnee, Indiana. 

I love its progressive politics and its parks. I love its walkability and its trees. I love its old, brick sidewalks and its public art. I love its big-college-town size and its diversity. I love its libraries and bookstores, its local bakeries and coffee shops. I love its new institutions and its old charm. I love its universal, free composting. I love its proximity to a much-bigger city. I love its independence from said much-bigger city. I love the type of celebrity it attracts (Julia Child! John Malkovich! Skip Gates! Elizabeth Warren! Yo-Yo Ma!). I love that Howard Zinn was Matt Damon’s neighbor and childhood babysitter. I love that Cantabrigians take equal pride in Patrick Ewing and ee cummings.

I lived here as a newborn. Then again during high school. I lived here in grad school. I recently moved back. Four different homes within a 1.25-mile radius. I love it here! I’m very grateful for this place! My parents met here 45 years ago! I wouldn’t be here without this place! 

All that goes without saying. I’ll say it anyway.

“You can’t really make fun of something unless you truly, deeply, madly love it,” Patton Oswalt reminds us. 

I adore Cambridge. Now I’d like to shift our attention to the first clause in Patton Oswalt’s sentence there.

In the last few months, since I moved back to The People’s Republic, I’ve discovered—rediscovered—an inescapable archetype in these parts:

Crazy Cambridge Boomer.

Who is Crazy Cambridge Boomer, you ask? These descriptions may sound hyperbolic. I can assure you they’re quite…bolic.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer still has the same Dukakis For President sticker on the back left bumper of their mustard yellow 1986 Volvo station wagon.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer has one tattoo, on their ankle: “AND VIEWERS LIKE YOU,” all caps, written along the opening of their clog, a shoe from, yes, Cambridge Clogs on Mass Ave, a store where, yes, Crazy Cambridge Boomer has maintained their Frequent Buyer Plan since the store’s inception in 1987.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer looks like Annette Bening if she’d gone to Woodstock (or rather, if she’d written a thesis on the political ethnomusicology of Woodstock while back at Sarah Lawrence). Crazy Cambridge Boomer looks like Bradley Whitford if he asked the barber for “The Doc Brown from Back To The Future on the sides but The Noam Chomsky on top.” 

Crazy Cambridge Boomer once got sidetracked en route to an Allen Ginsberg reading (that took place in a mutual friend’s kitchen on Putnam Ave) and ended up smoking The Devil’s Lettuce with Bobcat Goldthwait at a Harvard Lampoon after-party at Dunster House.

In 1983, Crazy Cambridge Boomer once camped out for 36 consecutive hours next to WBUR’s studios to see a live taping of Masterpiece Theater, for a new production of The Six Wives of Henry VIII. CCB made the same quip to every passerby: “I’m not one of Henry’s spouses…that I KNOW of.”

Crazy Cambridge Boomer still tapes Antiques Roadshow every night, on VHS, and asks their neighbors—unprompted—NOT to spoil the previous night’s episode.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer runs a two-to-seven person Current Events Club at Simon’s Coffee, holding office hours from 8:00 to 10:00 every morning, beginning with domestic political affairs, then international, then veering into local Cambridge topics, before concluding with Garden Talk. They meet outside in nicer weather, inside near the windows in colder weather (*Command C, Command V from real life*).

Crazy Cambridge Boomer doesn’t seem to mind (notice) that Simon’s Coffee exclusively plays (blasts) the same eight pop songs from 2015 on repeat because their Currents Events dialogue about street-cleaning protocols is the only thing louder than “My House” by Flo Rida. 

In the late ‘90s, Crazy Cambridge Boomer would drink decaf coffee after work on Wednesdays with Harvard Law Professor, Elizabeth Warren, at the Good Will Hunting Au Bon Pain. On special occasions, when CCB was “feeling a little naughty,” they’d get caffeinated green tea and have even “more feisty energy” to “conquer the Junior Varsity mid-week crossword.”

Crazy Cambridge Boomer sounds like a mix of both feminist bookstore owners in Portlandia but at 1.75x podcast speed.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer was bringing their reusable PBS tote bag for groceries and errands in the ‘80s.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer is bringing the same reusable PBS tote bag for groceries and errands today.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer thought Harvard Square SOLD OUT when Newbury Comics moved into The Garage.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer has the existential angst of George, the sociability of Paul, the psychedelic spirituality of John, and the mustache of Ringo.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer loves the IDEA of jam bands but never got into The Dead or Phish. Crazy Cambridge Boomer loves the IDEA of improv comedy but prefers the “avant-garde humor” of Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me to the “barbaric madness” of fellow Mather House history major, Conan O’Brien.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer thinks Terry Gross SOLD OUT.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer was there in the ‘80s when Upland Ave neighbor, Bill Walton, brought in the new hoops and nets at the Raymond Park courts and hasn’t left. CCB has a surprisingly smooth game—tosses a nice skip pass, works gracefully around screens—but really needs to simmer down with the continuous HANDS UP on defense and the Kevin McHale elbows boxing out. 

Crazy Cambridge Boomer once sprained both ankles, at once, going up for an uncontested rebound in Tevas, and then struggled mightily crossing the street in the allotted 26 seconds that they petitioned the city for new crosswalk legislation. Which is why, even on dead-end streets off Mass Ave—and this actually true— they give you FIFTY SIX SECONDS to cross five stripes.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer thinks Skip Gates SOLD OUT.

Crazy Cambridge Boomer agrees with me that if you’re texting while jaywalking across Mass Ave while also wearing any Harvard merchandise you probably deserve to get hit by a car. 

Crazy Cambridge Boomer throws an annual potluck party commemorating the end of the city’s public library late fines. You’re welcome to join. It’s this Saturday. I know I’ll be there. 

Sincerely,

Crazy Cambridge Millennial